The last time I visited my fertility clinic I panicked. I was just sitting there getting a blood test, I looked at the blood coming out of my arm, then I looked at the nurse, and then I said I felt faint, and BOOM... a kind of negative epiphany just hit me right there. That I'm overwhelmed. That I don't like what is happening.
Until that point I was somehow doing ok with it. But the last visit to my specialist, just days before that blood test, was not particularly positive. He basically said that he doesn't really know what is going on. He says on the one hand, what's happening could just be random variability, and maybe we've just been unlucky. But in that visit, he seemed to think that something's up with my eggs, that they are a bit resistant to forming life, even though they score great on the AMH. Until that point I'd had in my head that there was something suboptimal about the sperm, again, they do great on the general tests but a more ingrained analysis has shown slightly higher than normal rate of fragmentation. But I was never convinced that this was a big issue, because it was only ever so slightly out of the normal range. But in MY head, I thought, if we ended up having to go the donor route, it'd probably be with sperm. But at that last visit, he started speaking about donor eggs. I'm pretty sure I just stared at him blankly and remained full composure. I remember him saying - how do you feel about that? I just said, well... we're not ready for that now. That news took a while to kick in. I mulled away on it. And then it suddenly hit in the middle of a blood test. That this is really not good news.
Well... I'm happy to say, no panics today! I visited again for my first check up of my current IVF round. Had a blood test too, same nurse. No panic. I'm good to go. Since that dreaded blood test day, I've had a laparoscopy, dye studies, and D & C to check out whether I have endometriosis. I got the ALL clear. Everyone's talking about how people have increased fertility after this procedure, so I decided, I will take the opportunity of possibly enhanced fertility, and try again with my own eggs.
But this might be the last round I try using my own eggs... maybe, maybe not... I'll see how I go.