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Sucking eggs

Old mate fertility specialist likes to use technical language whenever possible. Hence he refers to my oocyte retrieval as "sucking your eggs".  He's all class.

It really hasn't been a great round, and my heart is not really in it. While we retrieved 18 eggs and made 8 embryos, they all grew badly and were massively fragmented. Except for one, which was not so fragmented, but still not a blast at day 5. It is inside me now, along with the runner up. So we'll see how it goes though I'm not holding out much hope.

I'm not sure if it's really more me, and getting too "serious" about all this.. but I have to say I'm tired of the attitude at my clinic. I don't think I will go back there. It's kind of like the Jetstar airline of fertility clinics, where the staff have a jovial "laid back" attitude to things like safety and professionalism. I would imagine that working in a fertility clinic you might naturally develop a lighter…
Recent posts

pulling out hair

For some reason I haven't been able to get something out of my head these last few days....

I attended a hen's party on the weekend for an old friend. I didn't know many of the other women in attendance. At some point there were discussions about children, childbirth, fertility and the like. One woman there was telling the story about how one of her kids was born a few weeks earlier than the due date. Even though this kid is like, 2 years old now I think, she recalled how she was mortified that she had "run out of time to get a wax"... So... she was saying that she was planning to get a brazilian wax prior to the birth... ok, so that was baffling enough to me personally... but this then spawned on a discussion about how awkward some women find it when they find their male obstetrician to be physically attractive and that this increases their self consciousness about the state of their pubic hair...
SERIOUSLY? 
I really could not believe what I was hearing. And ye…

I'm Ok

This microblog Monday (coming to you on Wednesday) marks one week in to my 7th IVF round.
Each time around I am more and more blase about it. It's just this weird needle thing I'm doing to myself each day. If people ask about how I'm doing... I say... I'm doing "ok".
But it's not the most straightforward "Ok"... there are some patterns I'm noticing about my coping...

- I get a little obsessed with yoga and exercise (this later becomes frustrating when I can't keep practicing handstands, or get too hot... as per doctor's instructions)- I also get a little obsessed with tidying up and keeping things clean and throwing things out- I consider whether or not I should give up coffee... and well... I always decide... nah - My mind goes in to this weird negativity mode - and starts telling me about all the things wrong in my life or wrong about me, not necessarily related to IVF. In fact, everything else other than IVF. - I wonder what that …

up the creek with a back-to-front paddle

We started stand up paddle boarding this weekend. We just went out, bought some boards, and gave it a go. No lessons. Just got out there on the water. It was pretty great. The weather was just beautiful, and there were stingrays everywhere. (side note- Personally, I am quite scared of stingrays. I think they are stunning creatures, just so... other-wordly... that they freak me out a bit).
The paddling was mindful.. a wonderful meditation to be out there on the water on such a beautiful day.
Though I found myself at times rather frustrated with how little power I had, when I was trying to get somewhere.
I shifted my weight, I tried engaging my core, I tried different strokes, I tried specific patterns of alternating from left to right. But I felt so underpowered.
I decided to just trust. There was only a shore to get to. Even if I just drifted down with the wind, and had very little power, I would eventually reach land.
But then yesterday, I was talking about the paddling to someone at…

Cursed

This Monday, I am in another state of disbelief... and in asking myself "how did I get here, how did this happen?" one plausible answer seems to be... I am cursed. Here is the run down of events... Looking back, I was in good spirits all week. It was my birthday a few days ago on on the Saturday- the 11th, and I decided to organise a few get togethers - a dinner Friday night with family, and a brunch on my birthday with close friends. And Sunday, I also had a baby shower with a very close old friend who was actually doing some rounds of IVF the same time as me. I felt good about attending this shower, with my recent news of pregnancy. So we were due to have our seven week scan on Wednesday. I was really cross because we had to reschedule it to Friday, the clinic had called to say they had overbooked this week. I was then in a bit of a flap complaining about my fertility doctor and trying to find a new doctor to deliver the baby. I wasn't having much luck there either as …

Can't believe it

I really can't.

I *AM* actually pregnant.

I did not believe I was pregnant when the nurse told me that the first test was positive. Nah. It is a low reading. If anything I was annoyed because I really wanted to stop taking all these medications I'm on. I also didn't believe it when the second blood test was positive either. The reading was still low, and I had to go back again for a third test. I only believed it when the doctor said the words to my face. My partner... he just cried. We were overwhelmed. We really believed that this was not possible. We were really expecting some kind of bad news.

Of course, I still feel incredibly wary, and still rather in disbelief... but excited, amazed, joyful...

up and down the hope-a-coaster

*Trigger warning - this post mentions positive pregnancy tests*

I am seriously confused about my hope levels. They are as confusing as HCG levels.
I don't know how hopeful to be. Maybe I can even be excited?

This round of IVF has been different somehow. It is kind of sweet when friends tell you that they "have a good feeling this time". But it also sets you up for a bigger fall. Something about this round of IVF brought so many of these kind of comments which I hadn't had previously. The weirdest one was a receptionist from my work, who actually had no idea I was doing IVF, came and told me that she'd had 4 vivid and repetitive dreams about me being heavily pregnant.

My partner, he turned 40 recently, and we had a big party a week ago. We were hoping with the current IVF cycle that we'd be able to freeze everything and so we could not be in IVF headspace for the party. But those plans went awry and I had to have a fresh embryo transfer a few days before the p…