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reading between the lines

I recently read Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami. I was only a few pages in and I found myself feeling sad and getting a bit teary. And the feeling ran surprisingly deep. And the strange thing for me was, it wasn't exactly the words or the narrative that brought up this feeling. It was something about the way the words were put together, the landscape they painted. It felt somehow... so barren. It surprised me how effectively this mood was created, given that his books are translated in to English.

Anyway, I am now hooked on Murakami, I read another of his books shortly after I finished Norweigan Wood, and I'm now on my third which is a pretty long and weird one. I feel as though reading his books I will crack open a special riddle eventually. His books carry many symbols that pass on and weave through each of his novels.

Perhaps I have cracked one riddle. The other day something occurred to me. So far in my reading, there's a noticeable absence of children or mention of …
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Bumper stickers for the infertile

Maybe it's because we're getting a new car soon, but I keep thinking of bumper stickers appropriate for people like me who are enjoying their struggle with infertility...
1) The bumper sticker answer to the pram parking situation... So whenever I am having a hard time trying to find a park at the shops, and there are vacant pram parks, I wish so much that I had a bumper sticker to say something along to the lines of: "After xxxx$$$ of failed IVF treatment I have earned my right to use pram parking"
2) My answer to the "My family" cute little stick figure stickers... Maybe they should have a new type of sticker that denotes the lab-cultured embryos... Although if I went this option, I think I would have a pretty full back window... with close to 70 embryos... 
3) The "baby on board" sticker --- simple response... "No baby on board" 
Well maybe not... but it's one possible route for being less invisible...

a few thoughts on where am I at

I'm getting over it.
We have recently had the results of our 7th IVF round... which are... negative. sigh. I'm not surprised of course.
It's starting to feel a bit ridiculous.
Plan is to meet with a third doctor, who we have been waiting to see for months, to see what light he would shed.
The thing I'm frustrated about is that IVF... it's not treating the problem at all, as far as I can see. I'm not a doctor but it seems to me that there's something up with the fact that our embryos are not hardy. IVF is just trying to maximise numbers, not helping to fix whatever is causing the problem with the embryos. But the thing is that the medical professionals don't actually know what the problem is for us... so IVF is all they've got to offer. I'm feeling a bit silly to continue with it, because who knows how long it could go on for, and who knows if for us, with whatever our problem is, whether it even could work. Well a few questions for the new docto…

Sucking eggs

Old mate fertility specialist likes to use technical language whenever possible. Hence he refers to my oocyte retrieval as "sucking your eggs".  He's all class.

It really hasn't been a great round, and my heart is not really in it. While we retrieved 18 eggs and made 8 embryos, they all grew badly and were massively fragmented. Except for one, which was not so fragmented, but still not a blast at day 5. It is inside me now, along with the runner up. So we'll see how it goes though I'm not holding out much hope.

I'm not sure if it's really more me, and getting too "serious" about all this.. but I have to say I'm tired of the attitude at my clinic. I don't think I will go back there. It's kind of like the Jetstar airline of fertility clinics, where the staff have a jovial "laid back" attitude to things like safety and professionalism. I would imagine that working in a fertility clinic you might naturally develop a lighter…

pulling out hair

For some reason I haven't been able to get something out of my head these last few days....

I attended a hen's party on the weekend for an old friend. I didn't know many of the other women in attendance. At some point there were discussions about children, childbirth, fertility and the like. One woman there was telling the story about how one of her kids was born a few weeks earlier than the due date. Even though this kid is like, 2 years old now I think, she recalled how she was mortified that she had "run out of time to get a wax"... So... she was saying that she was planning to get a brazilian wax prior to the birth... ok, so that was baffling enough to me personally... but this then spawned on a discussion about how awkward some women find it when they find their male obstetrician to be physically attractive and that this increases their self consciousness about the state of their pubic hair...
I really could not believe what I was hearing. And ye…

I'm Ok

This microblog Monday (coming to you on Wednesday) marks one week in to my 7th IVF round.
Each time around I am more and more blase about it. It's just this weird needle thing I'm doing to myself each day. If people ask about how I'm doing... I say... I'm doing "ok".
But it's not the most straightforward "Ok"... there are some patterns I'm noticing about my coping...

- I get a little obsessed with yoga and exercise (this later becomes frustrating when I can't keep practicing handstands, or get too hot... as per doctor's instructions)- I also get a little obsessed with tidying up and keeping things clean and throwing things out- I consider whether or not I should give up coffee... and well... I always decide... nah - My mind goes in to this weird negativity mode - and starts telling me about all the things wrong in my life or wrong about me, not necessarily related to IVF. In fact, everything else other than IVF. - I wonder what that …

up the creek with a back-to-front paddle

We started stand up paddle boarding this weekend. We just went out, bought some boards, and gave it a go. No lessons. Just got out there on the water. It was pretty great. The weather was just beautiful, and there were stingrays everywhere. (side note- Personally, I am quite scared of stingrays. I think they are stunning creatures, just so... other-wordly... that they freak me out a bit).
The paddling was mindful.. a wonderful meditation to be out there on the water on such a beautiful day.
Though I found myself at times rather frustrated with how little power I had, when I was trying to get somewhere.
I shifted my weight, I tried engaging my core, I tried different strokes, I tried specific patterns of alternating from left to right. But I felt so underpowered.
I decided to just trust. There was only a shore to get to. Even if I just drifted down with the wind, and had very little power, I would eventually reach land.
But then yesterday, I was talking about the paddling to someone at…