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going ahead and trying my best

So, my Doc is delaying his foot surgery till next week.
Since I had already done a week's worth of induced menopause injections with a new drug for this round called decapeptyl, I thought, ok, I'll stick it out.
In hindsight the menopausal induction may have contributed to the huge frazzled feelings I mentioned at my last post! I felt bloody awful.
Tomorrow I've got Egg pickup.
It's been a weird cycle. This doc has us on a serious drug cocktail and a half. I've been taking human growth hormone and menopausal urine injections... My partner's been instructed to "put the balls on ice" for half an hour per day (kid you not) and eat goji berries and drink aloe vera juice. So it's feeling a bit zany. Throwing a lot at it.  I've been doing 4 injections a day of various weird things these last weeks. A colleague who has done some ivf with this doctor warned me "don't be too freaked out by the singing" at egg pickup. That sounds like anot…
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I called my IVF clinic today to let them know it's day 1 of my period. I've started this long-down reg protocol over the last week or so, taking some Decapeptyl injections and a cocktail of some other stuff. So I had to call up to arrange a day 6 scan.  Anyway, bit of context, on any Day 1 of my period I am typically a frazzled woman. In the last few days I cut a weekend holiday short because of realising I forgot to pay a tax bill and tax form that was due, came home early to organise the paperwork and then realised the paperwork was not actually due, I still had a few more days so didn't really have to cut the holiday short...  I also had been tasked with packing for the holiday and forgot to pack any teeshirts... and my partner's swimwear (for the beach). So my brain feels somewhat fried. Then the fried brain effect has just been upped a bit. Because when I called the clinic today, the nurse there let me know that my doctor (the guy we waited 9 months to get in to s…

Sitting on the broken eggs

Ok so I cried while watching a nature documentary the other day. A little maternal Birdy is incubating some eggs in her nest, and flies off to get food. While she's gone some other hungry bird comes along and smashes up the eggs to eat the yolks. Mumma bird comes back to a mess. She can tell it's not right but she just staunchly perches back on top of the smashed up eggs to keep incubating, because her drive is so strong.
I had to change the channel.
It's a reminder to myself that nature is completely indifferent.
And that it's only sad because of the meaning I put to it. And that is ok. There's a certain beauty to that sadness.
It just is what it is.

third time charmer

Recently we saw doctor number three. This is the last one. I'm not going for a 4th opinion.
The good thing is that.. at least in our city... he's THE guy to go to for a second or third opinion. That's basically all he does... "Complex cases".
So that's what we are.
A complex case.
I feel... that...  I have come out of that consultation feeling the right way for the situation we are in.
We don't seem to have a great chance. But there are still some options for us. We just have to decide which we take. I think what he managed to do was... to actually help us feel in control.
Well maybe it's not him, maybe it's just what we've come to at this point of things. Anyway, I am feeling pretty ok. Not in despair that's for sure.
What I take away from it is that--- we don't really know for sure if it's a female factor or male factor, or both, and/or a combination of us just "not working together". (He was loathe to use the t…

reading between the lines

I recently read Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami. I was only a few pages in and I found myself feeling sad and getting a bit teary. And the feeling ran surprisingly deep. And the strange thing for me was, it wasn't exactly the words or the narrative that brought up this feeling. It was something about the way the words were put together, the landscape they painted. It felt somehow... so barren. It surprised me how effectively this mood was created, given that his books are translated in to English.

Anyway, I am now hooked on Murakami, I read another of his books shortly after I finished Norweigan Wood, and I'm now on my third which is a pretty long and weird one. I feel as though reading his books I will crack open a special riddle eventually. His books carry many symbols that pass on and weave through each of his novels.

Perhaps I have cracked one riddle. The other day something occurred to me. So far in my reading, there's a noticeable absence of children or mention of …

Bumper stickers for the infertile

Maybe it's because we're getting a new car soon, but I keep thinking of bumper stickers appropriate for people like me who are enjoying their struggle with infertility...
1) The bumper sticker answer to the pram parking situation... So whenever I am having a hard time trying to find a park at the shops, and there are vacant pram parks, I wish so much that I had a bumper sticker to say something along to the lines of: "After xxxx$$$ of failed IVF treatment I have earned my right to use pram parking"
2) My answer to the "My family" cute little stick figure stickers... Maybe they should have a new type of sticker that denotes the lab-cultured embryos... Although if I went this option, I think I would have a pretty full back window... with close to 70 embryos... 
3) The "baby on board" sticker --- simple response... "No baby on board" 
Well maybe not... but it's one possible route for being less invisible...

a few thoughts on where am I at

I'm getting over it.
We have recently had the results of our 7th IVF round... which are... negative. sigh. I'm not surprised of course.
It's starting to feel a bit ridiculous.
Plan is to meet with a third doctor, who we have been waiting to see for months, to see what light he would shed.
The thing I'm frustrated about is that IVF... it's not treating the problem at all, as far as I can see. I'm not a doctor but it seems to me that there's something up with the fact that our embryos are not hardy. IVF is just trying to maximise numbers, not helping to fix whatever is causing the problem with the embryos. But the thing is that the medical professionals don't actually know what the problem is for us... so IVF is all they've got to offer. I'm feeling a bit silly to continue with it, because who knows how long it could go on for, and who knows if for us, with whatever our problem is, whether it even could work. Well a few questions for the new docto…